Yes, You'll Think These Things When Your Ex Remarries
No matter how long you’ve been divorced, it can feel strange when your ex remarries. You may experience a range of different emotions—grief, anger, hurt, jealousy, acceptance, longing—that come and go in waves as your mind grapples with the news.
At first, your thoughts may feel like a hurricane, chaotic and volatile; but as time passes, they begin to resemble a bay, calm and void of any unnecessary surges.
For one thing, your ex’s wedding plans bring true closure to your former relationship, which for most people is helpful in their quest to move on and begin fully living their lives again. Until you’re able to access this state of optimism or indifference, know that your various reactions are quite normal.
Here are five of the most common thought patterns after hearing that your ex is going to the chapel.
1. “It happened so fast!”
Even if you knew your ex was dating, the news of a wedding may come as a shock—especially when it happens quicker than you imagined. You may wonder how long this person has been in the picture, if they were secretly together before you and your ex were divorced, or why it took him six months to propose to his new fiance when it took him six years to propose to you. These reactions are often quickly followed by, “They won’t last; they haven’t been together long enough.” All of these thoughts are common when you’re surprised by the announcement, and they can signal some unprocessed grief.
2. “That should be me.”
Hearing that your ex has a new life partner is especially tough if he or she made the decision to split in the first place. This news can leave you feeling like someone has replaced you and taken up residence in the future you thought you had. Try not to compare yourself to your ex’s new beau or hold on too tightly to those fantasy futures—the stronger your mind grips, the worse it feels.
3. “Why didn’t my ex change for me?”
It may hurt to see your ex making things work with someone else, especially if that someone else is reaping the benefits of change that you wished to see. Perhaps you begged your ex to quit drinking, prioritize family time, switch jobs or consider having a child—and now it’s happened, without you.
This scenario can be frustrating, but it’s important to realize that each person has their own timing for personal growth—and the relationship with you played a large role in catalyzing those changes, even if your ex had to move on to manifest them.
4. “Will I ever find love again?”
It’s particularly painful when your ex remarries and you aren’t dating yet. This scenario can bring up feelings of unworthiness and insecurity about the chance of any future romantic relationships in your life. The truth is, you’ll find what and who you need, in due time. Just because your ex remarried first (or at all), doesn’t reflect on your worth and ability to find love in your life.
5. “I guess it’s really over now.”
The silver lining to hearing this news is that it acts as a final closure, and it can propel you to move on in ways that you weren’t able to when you were both still technically single. Regardless of how you feel about the relationship, this is a cue that there’s no going back to the marriage; it’s time to put an end to dreams of reuniting. Shift your focus to your kids, your friends, your work and anything else that helps you feel fulfilled and purposeful.
Of course, moving on in the wake of this news is easier said than done. Be patient with your process, and set boundaries in order to navigate the situation as smoothly as possible—meaning, make plans to avoid the wedding if you’re not all-in-favor of the newlyweds. Eventually, you’ll learn from this situation and begin to trust your own journey forward.
If you need help with a family law matter, our attorneys at Smedley Law Group can provide you with the professional advice you need to make an educated decision. Schedule a consultation with one of our attorneys today.