Are You a Grandparent Watching Your Adult Child Divorce? Here’s How to Stay Connected Across Family Changes

The ripple effects of divorce often extend beyond the immediate family. For grandparents, this emotional upheaval can bring unique challenges, including fears of losing contact with beloved grandchildren. 

If you’re watching your adult child go through a divorce, no doubt you’ve been there for the highs and lows and all the feelings in between. During a split, especially if there are minor children involved, things are even more complicated legally and emotionally with custody, parenting time, and support in the mix. 

As a grandparent, you may worry about how your time with your grandchildren will change. At the end of the day, legal rights matter, but what really counts is keeping those precious bonds intact and staying a steady presence in their lives.

From keeping the lines of communication open to offering emotional support and finding new ways to fit into the family’s changing rhythm, there are plenty of practical, everyday strategies to help you stay connected and continue playing that grounding role.

The New Normal When Family Dynamics Shift

Divorce fundamentally changes how a family operates. Households split, schedules shift, and roles evolve. For grandparents, this often means adjusting expectations about when and how you’ll spend time with your grandchildren, especially if you had a set schedule before.

Your role becomes even more important during this transition. While your adult child and their ex-spouse work through their own emotional challenges and logistical changes, you can provide a reassuring presence. Children crave predictability when their world feels chaotic, so the consistency you offer helps them feel secure.

Think of yourself as a steady anchor point. You represent continuity and unconditional love at a time when kids might question whether other relationships will last. So, focus on being the same loving grandparent you’ve always been, just adapted to fit the new circumstances. This new chapter is about shifting in ways that benefit everyone, particularly your grandchildren, who are processing emotions they may not yet fully understand.

Additionally, reassure your adult child that you’re there to support them and the children as they move households, take on new jobs, change schedules, and figure out their new normal.

Wondering How Your Visits Might Change?

One of the first practical questions you’ll likely have is, “When will I see my grandchildren?” This concern is natural, but grandparents often worry unnecessarily when they don’t have complete information.

Instead, start by having a direct, but respectful, conversation with your adult child about custody or parenting time arrangements. Ask how the agreement might affect your visits: Will weekends look different? Are you alternating holidays? How about summer vacation?  Understanding the structure helps you plan and provides reassurance that there will still be time for your relationship to thrive.

Many custody arrangements specifically account for extended family time, recognizing its importance for the children’s well-being. If your adult child has parenting time every other weekend, for example, you can ask them if you can work within that schedule. Knowing these details reduces anxiety and allows you to be more flexible and accommodating.

If you’re concerned about losing access to your grandchildren due to a contentious divorce, remember that courts generally recognize the value of grandparents’ relationships. While situations vary, most co-parents do understand that maintaining these connections benefits their children.

Build Open Communication With Both Parents

The way you communicate with your adult child and their co-parent during and after a divorce can strengthen or strain family relationships. The most important thing to remember? Stay neutral.

This is actually harder than it sounds. You naturally want to support your adult child, and you may have strong feelings about their ex-partner. Taking sides or speaking negatively about either parent, especially in front of the grandchildren, creates confusion and guilt for kids who love both parents. In addition, your adult child won’t be thrilled if you add conflict to the mix. 

When talking to both your adult child and their former spouse, focus conversations on the children’s well-being. Use “I” statements to express your intentions, “I want to be here for the kids,” or “I hope we can work together to support them through this.”

Don’t ask probing questions about the other parent or “dig” for details about what went wrong. These conversations may feel like you’re showing support, but they often draw you into conflicts or dramas that don’t help your grandchildren. Kids benefit most when grandparents create a drama-free zone where they don’t hear criticism about either parent.

If there’s tension between you and your child’s ex-partner, consider reaching out directly (if appropriate) to express your desire to remain involved in your grandchildren’s lives. A simple message acknowledging the difficulty of the situation while affirming your commitment to the kids can go a long way.

Practical Tips for Staying Connected

Maintaining your relationship with your grandchildren requires intentionality and creativity, especially if logistics have become more complicated. These three tips will help keep your relationship thriving.

1. Maintain Traditions

Regular routines and traditions create comfort and stability, so continue those weekly phone calls, Sunday morning pancake brunches, or annual holiday traditions. These familiar touchstones remind children that some things haven’t changed, even when a lot in their lives has.

If certain traditions involve both parents, consider how to adapt them. Maybe movie night at your house becomes a new tradition that works within the current parenting schedule.

2. Get Creative With Connection

Distance, whether physical or due to scheduling constraints, doesn’t have to mean disconnection. Technology offers remarkable ways to stay close. 

Video calls let you read bedtime stories together, play online games, or simply chat about their day. Care packages filled with small surprises, handwritten notes, or favorite treats show grandchildren they’re on your mind.

Some grandparents set up regular virtual “dates” with grandchildren, such as a standing Wednesday late-afternoon call or a Saturday morning video chat that kids can count on.

3. Respect New Boundaries

You can expect that your adult child and their co-parent will establish new rules, routines, and schedules. Respecting these boundaries is necessary, even when they’re inconvenient or you disagree with certain decisions.

Additionally, planning visits in advance shows respect for the parenting schedule and reduces the chance of miscommunication. If you’d like to take your grandchildren on a weekend trip or a special outing, coordinate it with both parents well in advance.

When you’re with your grandchildren, follow their parents’ guidelines about bedtimes, screen time, and other rules. Consistency across multiple households helps kids adjust more smoothly.

Offer Emotional Support to Your Grandchildren

Being a source of comfort for your grandchildren requires a delicate balance. You want to provide support without undermining their parents or inserting yourself into adult matters.

Start by validating children’s feelings. If a grandchild expresses sadness, anger, or confusion about the divorce, acknowledge those emotions by saying something like, “It sounds like you’re feeling sad about Mom and Dad living in different houses. That makes sense.” Avoid minimizing their feelings with phrases like, “Everything’s going to be fine” or “You’ll get used to it.”

Be available to answer questions honestly but age-appropriately. Young children need simple, reassuring explanations. Teenagers might want more detail, but still need to know their parents’ divorce isn’t their responsibility.

Here’s what not to say:

• Don’t ask invasive questions about the divorce or about what happens at the other parent’s house. Questions like, “Does your dad’s new girlfriend come over a lot?” or “Is your mom dating anyone?” put children in uncomfortable positions.
• Don’t make promises you can’t keep. Saying “I’ll see you every weekend” might not be realistic given the new parenting arrangement, and breaking that promise hurts.
• Never encourage children to take sides or make them feel they need to choose between their parents or family sides.

Don’t Forget to Take Care of Yourself

Watching your adult child go through a divorce is painful. You might feel grief over the end of the marriage, worry about your grandchildren, and frustration about having less control over the situation than you’d like.

These feelings are normal, and acknowledging them is important, so find your own support system. Reach out to friends who’ll listen, family members going through similar experiences, or support groups for grandparents dealing with their children’s divorces.

Remember, self-care isn’t selfish. Caring for your physical and emotional health allows you to remain a steady, positive force for your family. If you’re exhausted, stressed, or overwhelmed, you have less to give.

Consider talking to a counselor or trusted clergyperson if you’re struggling to process your emotions about the divorce. Having a neutral party to discuss your feelings with can prevent those emotions from spilling over into interactions with your grandchildren or adult children.

When Legal Guidance Becomes a Must, Not a Maybe

Most families can work out grandparent visitation arrangements informally, especially when communication stays respectful and everyone prioritizes the children’s needs. However, some situations become more complicated.

If you’re denied access to your grandchildren by either co-parent or if the custody arrangement significantly limits your time together, consulting with an attorney who understands family law can clarify your rights. Grandparent visitation laws vary by state, and a New Jersey-based attorney can explain what legal options exist in your specific situation.

In New Jersey, grandparents do have the right to petition the court for visitation, but it isn’t automatic. The law requires you to show that keeping your bond is in your grandchild’s best interests — and that cutting off contact could harm them. Judges typically look at factors like how close your relationship has been, how much time has passed since you last saw them, and whether your request is made in good faith.

Courts most often consider grandparent visitation when:

• Parents divorce or separate
• One parent passes away
• A parent loses custody rights

If you’re unsure about how changes in your adult child’s family parenting-time agreement may affect your rights, legal guidance provides clarity and peace of mind.

Keep That Loving Feeling and Lasting Bond

Of course, divorce changes a family’s structure, but it doesn’t have to break the bond between you and your grandchildren. Being a stable presence, communicating respectfully, and focusing on the children’s emotional needs form the foundation of staying connected.

If you’re facing challenges with visitation or have questions about your rights as a grandparent, our attorneys can provide the guidance you need. Reach out today to discuss your family’s unique situation and explore the best path forward.

Concerned About Grandparent Visitation Rights? Contact the Experienced Family Law Attorneys at Smedley Law Group, P.C. in West Deptford, NJ 

If you’re facing challenges with visitation, don’t wait to get legal guidance. The longer you delay, the harder it may be to protect your relationship.  

At Smedley Law Group, P.C., our experienced Woodbury, NJ, grandparent visitation attorneys understand the intricacies of New Jersey grandparent visitation law. We’re ready to help you explore the options available to protect the child at issue. If you’d like to learn more, contact our office to schedule a consultation with an experienced grandparent visitation lawyer today. 

We proudly serve families across South Jersey from our Woodbury office at 750 Cooper Street.

The articles on this blog are for informative purposes only and are no substitute for legal advice or an attorney-client relationship. If you’re seeking legal advice, please contact our law firm directly.