How I Found Strength (and New Traditions) After Divorce

Starting over after divorce isn’t only about getting through the tough days. It’s also about building new traditions, finding your footing again, and showing your kids that happiness can grow in unexpected places.

When longtime Smedley Law Group, P.C. office administrator Diane Pilla went through her own separation and divorce, she learned that moving forward meant creating new traditions, planning ahead, and finding strength in unexpected places. 

In this personal reflection, she shares her story and the lessons that helped her children (and herself) get through the rough times, and then thrive.

One of the hardest parts of starting over after a separation or divorce is figuring out how to preserve joy and continuity for your children when everything else feels uncertain.

For me, it began with a promise. Years earlier, my then-husband and I told our kids that when they were 6 and 8, we’d take them to Disney World. As fate would have it, those were their exact ages when my divorce happened. 

Even though everything was changing, I was determined to keep that promise.

I had never traveled alone with my children before. The thought of airports, hotels, and theme parks as a solo mom was overwhelming, but I knew I had to do it. 

That trip wasn’t just about Mickey Mouse and roller coasters. It was about proving to myself, and to my kids, that we could still create beautiful memories, even in transition. 

It was my first step in realizing: “I can do this.”

Q&A: Starting New Traditions

Q: What if I feel too overwhelmed to plan a big trip?

A: Start small. A special weekend activity or a simple holiday ritual can create the same sense of joy and continuity.

Q: Do I need a formal custody agreement before planning trips or vacations with my kids?

A: In New Jersey, once custody and parenting time are addressed (either by agreement or court order), both parents must follow the schedule. If you want to take your children out of state or on a vacation, it’s important to check your parenting agreement or ask the court for permission if your ex objects.

Facing the Holidays: Our First Christmas

Holidays can be especially painful after a divorce. The traditions, routines, and faces around the table all shift.

That first Christmas, I decided we needed a new “us.” I bought an ornament that read: “1984: Our First Christmas.” 

This new decoration symbolized our new beginning as a trio. I also created a new tradition: “Christmas Eve Jammies,” delivered by the Christmas Eve Elf, to be opened after dinner.

Forty years later, that tradition still lives on, now including my granddaughter, daughter-in-law, and son-in-law. What began as a way to comfort my children became one of our most cherished rituals.

Q&A: Coping With the Holidays

Q: How do I handle the first holiday without my ex?

A: Keep one old tradition for stability, and add one new one to mark your fresh start. This balance can ground both you and your children.

Q: How does New Jersey decide holiday parenting time?

A: Holidays are usually spelled out in a custody agreement or parenting plan. New Jersey courts encourage parents to create a schedule that’s in the children’s best interests, often alternating major holidays each year or splitting the day. If parents can’t agree, the court can step in and set a schedule.

When Your Ex Remarries

This was one of my hardest struggles. 

My ex-husband remarried a woman I had known during our marriage. My insecurities bubbled up: Would she try to take my place? Would my children love her more than me?

Even though those fears were real to me, they weren’t real to my children. They reminded me often: no one could replace me. And they were right. 

Over time, I saw that their stepmother welcomed them with kindness. They built a healthy bond, and my kids became close to their younger brother and sister from that marriage.

The lesson I learned: I should have trusted my children’s words more. Love in a child’s life isn’t a limited resource; it multiplies.

Q&A: Handling an Ex’s Remarriage

Q: What if I feel threatened by my ex’s new spouse?

A: Remember that your bond with your children is irreplaceable. If the new partner is caring, it adds love to their lives, not competition.

Q: Can my ex’s new spouse make legal decisions for my children?

A: No. In New Jersey, only a child’s legal parents or court-appointed guardians can make decisions about custody, education, or medical care. A stepparent can support and care for a child, but they don’t gain legal rights unless they pursue adoption with the consent of both parents.

Navigating Milestones: My Daughter’s Wedding

Life doesn’t stop after a divorce. You’ll still face milestones where emotions run high.

When my daughter got married, I planned ahead to protect myself emotionally. My ex was remarried, and I wasn’t. I knew two moments would be tough: walking out of the church and being introduced at the reception. I asked my dad to walk me out of the church and my adult nephew to escort me into the reception.

My daughter also had my back. She quietly chose not to include the parents in her first dance, a gesture that made me feel seen and loved. 

That night, once the reception ended, I knew I’d be alone in a quiet house. 

To soften the letdown, I invited my single girlfriends over for a sleepover. We laughed, toasted, and stayed up late. It turned what could have been loneliness into joy.

Q&A: Handling Big Life Events

Q: How do I cope with milestones when I feel left out?

A: Plan ahead. Ask for support during difficult moments, and create something positive for yourself afterward, whether that’s time with friends or a new ritual.

Q: Do custody or support obligations end when a child gets married?

A: Marriage usually marks emancipation in New Jersey, which can end child support obligations. However, every situation is unique, and emancipation can also happen for other reasons (like full-time employment or military service). It’s best to consult a family law attorney about your specific case.

The Road Ahead

Starting over after a divorce isn’t easy. But you can still create joy, traditions, and memories that last. With each step, I learned I was stronger than I realized, and so were my children.

If you’re in the middle of this journey, know that you’re not alone. The love and stability you provide matter more than perfection.

And little by little, you’ll build a life that feels whole again.

Contact the Experienced Family Law Attorneys at Smedley Law Group, P.C. in Woodbury, NJ 

If you’re facing divorce, you’ll also most likely be dealing with another matter like child custody, child support, or division of assets, so you’ll need to speak with a qualified attorney. The New Jersey family law attorneys at Smedley Law Group, P.C. represent clients throughout the state, including Gloucester Township, Cherry Hill Township, Camden, Washington Township, Mount Laurel Township, Deptford, Evesham, Pennsauken, West Deptford, and Voorhees. 

We understand how challenging this time can be for you, so we’ll fight hard to protect your interests and those of your loved ones throughout the legal process. Call us at (856) 251-0800 or fill out our confidential contact form to schedule a consultation. Our office is conveniently located at 750 Cooper Street, Woodbury, NJ 08096.

The articles on this blog are for informative purposes only and are no substitute for legal advice or an attorney-client relationship. If you’re seeking legal advice, please contact our law firm directly.